Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   War is God’s way of teaching us geography.

   If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

   I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

   A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range.

   I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

   Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

   I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.

   A measles outbreak? Weird. You'd think in this day and age, they'd have invented something to protect against that.

   USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".

   Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the damn break room vending machine.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.

   My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private

   Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

   Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

   Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

   Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.