Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

   I'm afraid to laugh. Because those who came in laughing made me cry the most!

   I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"

   My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.

   WERE HIPPOPOTAMUSES NAMED HIPPOPOTAMUSES BECAUSE THEY WERE REALLY HIP POPOTAMUSES OR WHAT ?

   Bringing blacks into this country was the worst thing to ever happen here.

   Below yeah you, Huckleberry Fin do you realize it's a meme?

   I never got why people liked sitting homje without pans on so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I'm left wondering why people have jobs.

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   Either the leaves are changing colors or there was something in those brownies...

   Just checking to see if we're still suppose to be pissed off at who performed at the Superbowl halftime show.

   They say do what you do best. Stripper pole, here I come.

   What if they close all the grocery stores and we have to go back to hunting for our food? I don't even know where Twinkies live...

   It is said that every day is a gift. Can I get a copy of the receipt so I can exchange it for something else?

   If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

   Just noticed I shaved really unevenly, but it should be okay...I don't think I'll be taking my pants off in this grocery store again.

   Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.