Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

   Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”

   What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?

   Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’

   My son ain’t gonna have to sneak no hoes in. Bring them bi**ches in son

   If life hands you lemons, go find a kid with a papercut and make his life miserable.

   I just yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it back to me"

   completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

   I think of Frank Zappa Every time I microwave a hotdog

   Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

   the problem with two-faced people is that you never sure which face to slap.

   Bank account: $1401.23 Me at the car dealership: where are the f350 platinums

   S&P 500 best day since 2008, and Trump doesn't know what he's doing??? Go away, 'crat puppet.

   Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why I can not watch Breaking Bad.

   Stop saying you support local businesses when you eat at chain restaurants, shop at big box stores, and only attend major league sporting events.

   My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)

   I don't know how I can keep on living, knowing I was wrong about bad consequences of legalizing weed. I hate being told "I told you so".

   Everyone is single. Some merely live under the illusion that a legal document, a ring and two meaningless "I do's" changes that.

   Girl: You were so nice earlier on the phone, now you're being mean. Why? - Me: That was before I cranked one out to your pics.