Funny Status Messages
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The janitor at my gym sees me naked more often than my wife does. And he's a more attentive lover. 
I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.
If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?
I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .
everything that glitters is not gold and every wing isnt chicken
making up for low grades with high calories
If I want to give someone a bottle of Scope for Christmas.....Would that be rude
I'm doing two count downs today. Liquor store to open & New Years! Don't dudge me.
ts not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please
Everybody! Fast! I need to see your Facebook film! Please share with me!
I suck at creating endings in Essays.. "and they lived happily ever after" is over done, and apparently "seacreast out" is unacceptable.
If you can't do this job drunk, ..... get out of the business !
the traditional 15th anniversary gift is crystal, but my wife gave me wood.
n't it ironic how life starts sucking at the exact same time that you wake up every day?
Porter Ridge. For those times when Turtle Man just isn't back-woods enough...
Makers Mark... Now with more Water !!! Same price !!! Going from 45 percent by volume to 42 percent by volume.
Self Righteousness is a form of guilt that arises from discrimination
I just read that the thoughts in our heads that we tell ourselves are actually things we were told as a young child that we have taken as truth... Dear grandkid… you are smart & amazing & you are going to buy yr Gramma chocolate everyday when she gets o
Please FFS I have no interest in knowing what your tattoo means.
i'm looking for the type of girl I can close my eyes and wish for every time its 11:11 and then open my eyes and see the most beautiful sandwich 