Funny Status Messages

   I bought some new white speedos yesterday for summer and the automated voice screamed, "unexpected item in bagging area".

   A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire ~ the guy in front of me, apparently

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   Remember, if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

   I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

   If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.

   I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager.

   I wonder if clothes in china say made around the corner

   If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

   I once dated a girl in college with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   I don't want the vaccine but I'll get mad if it's given to others in need, because Jesus taught us that helping other people in need is stupid.

   I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   So, you people disrespect restaurant food service workers. You also say $2.13 per hour is too much and if they don't like it they should find another job. Now, your local restaurant is closed. Cry me a river.

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds...

   A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her

   I'm at that age where I know where babies come from, but still need someone to explain that song "My Milkshakes" to me.

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   Who thinks Monkeypox is the government's next excuse to take away more of our freedoms?

   I never knew Masklophobia existed until I encountered 2021.