Funny Status Messages

   I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."

   The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   "?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

   I'm confused. Does baby oil come from babies or go in babies?

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents. He knew all week. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.

   Dear Anti-Vaxxer Imbeciles, Thank you for putting the rest of us at risk because you're too obtuse to look past ridiculous conspiracy theories

   Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

   Forgive and forget? What? Do I look like Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.

   The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it!

   Mowing your lawn on edibles and having those flying grasshoppers coming at you like kamikaze pilots every 2 feet is something.

   He even fixed the ice cream machine 🍦

   I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

   Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

   I'm surprised McAfee & Norton didn't get a piece of the vaccine action.

   Now, show me on the doll where Hunter Bidens Laptop touched you...