Funny Status Messages

   Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

   Do deaf schizophrenics still hear voices in their heads?

   Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

   I'm wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

   laughing at an old dude tryin to cross the street ,,,

   Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

   Ten should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy...

   They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.

   Just found a $20 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   this can't be the same brain I was using to read 450 page novels in 3 days during middle school

   I'm smart enough to know the oil prices are due to supply and demand and the pipeline was to carry sludge from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico and had nothing to do with gas

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force within this group - as if a hemorrhoid outbreak of epic proportions suddenly stole the sense of humor from every soul in here, and the likes and laughs were suddenly silenced..... ~Obi-Wan

   One of the main differences between a nudist and streaker is speed.

   Our neighbor is an anti-vaxxer. They call her Mrs. Doubtpfizer.

   I was at a restaurant tonight & I saw the "caution wet floor" sign. I wonder how blind people know. those signs don't have braille

   Don't forget to wash your phone.

   My son said he washed his teeth all by himself and now I'm afraid to go in his bathroom...

   When you drive an old air-cooled Volkswagen a essential oil is dw40.