Funny Status Messages
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If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember this. you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp. 
Some of yall dressing y’all kids for red ribbon week then smoking a blunt after they go to school.
I don't know why I ever joined Facebook, I mean like seriously, this is the worst dating website ever!
Crustard: The dried mustard on the cap.
This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice
Imagine that. Flag Day just happens to be in the middle of Fagg Month.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Guys, your wife works hard. Would it be too much trouble to get out the vacuum cleaner and plug it in so it will be ready for her when she gets home from work?
The real power of a man… Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
A School held a contest for 6th grade kids. the theme of the contest was, 'The Nicest Thing My Father Did For Me'.... The Winning kid said, "not wearing a condom...
I'm getting nothing for my wall..... Congress keeps telling me no..... I'm getting nothing for my wall..... So congress, you can go to hell.
:) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania
Music pumping!! a*s shaking!! Dirty dancing it feels like club making
I have a gardener that'll do pretty much anything you ask of him. It's like having your own Personal Jesus
I haven't seen this much white powder fall from the sky since I partied with scar face and he sneezed in his pile of coke.
How come it's the flirty, married women who act all snarky jealous if you post a pic of yourself with another woman?
I literally have no idea what day it is...zero
You obviously did not see either Adama, Baltar, or Roislyn wearing glasses
Of course you can use bacon grease as furniture polish. *licks coffee table*
Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success. 