Funny Status Messages

   commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond

   Seriously!! Who sucked The Pope.

   Me to the hotel check-in guy at Motel 6: “My wife worked a 12-hour day and all I did was ask what was for dinner”

   If it wasn't for online porn I couldn't spell amateur.

   Sure hope no one has high expectations of me today.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 300 years.

   I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer.

   Makin all the ladies drop they panties I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

   Getting tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying that’s 'cactuses and if you don’t like it, well that’s cactuses

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.

   20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head 30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle 40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

   Cigarette warning: Governments are bad for your health...

   Don't stab people in the back...Stab em in the front!!!

   If god told me tigers and lions didn't eat humans.........I probably would have one by now

   these neighbors shooting their guns off, you'd think a lot of people just died in The Hunger Games cause the gun sounds kinda like the cannon sound in the movie

   Your forehead is so big I bet when you dream, you dream movies.

   Can you believe it?? A cop just pulled me over for texting!! I let him off with a warning.

   As is the below me

   If Cheetos made beer, I'd drink that $hit!!

   Getting high on life has never helped me get a handjob in a toilet stall.