Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.

   Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue? Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

   Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

   Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.

   I make 6 figures, but the zeroes are in the front.

   One day I would like to turn on the news and hear, “There is Peace on Earth.”

   In France you don’t say “I miss you.” You say, “Tu me manques,” which means “you are missing from me.” I love that.

   Been breading racing deer. Just trying to make a quick buck and some fast doe.

   The bird flu? I hope so.

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.

   Your meme-fu is weak and brings much shame to your entire clan.

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   I think calling them maggots is insensitive... they should be referred to as larvasexuals.

   Do they have a pregnancy test for immaculate conceptions?

   My business portfolio is a cigarette butt inside an empty beer bottle.

   I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.

   Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?

   In 2009 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   was born a female. I identify as a female. But according to Tesco's sticky toffee pudding I'm a family of four.