Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day is a half day, if you just leave.

   Them: What is your plan if a big war starts? Me: I’m pretty sure my boss wants me to work that day, so I guess I’m working.

   Ciabatta… Italian for stale bread

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart is currently looking like a fight-to-the-death battle Royal between the all day Pajama People vs the Sweat Pants crowd.

   Shake what ya mamma gave ya! Me: Shakes therapy bill in the air.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   Elon showed the world that Twitter is not a business. It is a fraudulent front for mass information control.

   They’re raising your taxes because they gave all your money away.

   If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!

   Mercury is in reverse cowgirl again.

   That look your boss gives you when you request April 20th off.

   April Fool’s Day was suspended this year due to all the unbelievable crap going on in the world right now.

   The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

   Every time I drink flax-milk I remember my college roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink "more milk per milk"

   Reached that age where everything I think happened 4-5 years ago really happened in 2003.

   Welp, I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   getting married and then Divorced is like a Casino.... ..you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.