Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I open my mouth to speak and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spill out.

   My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

   I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.

   My bank balance is sinking faster than Scott Peterson's wife.

   Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

   I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

   R.I.P Joan Rivers, May your non-biodegradable body poison the ground for the next thousand years like your personality has poisoned all of society for the last thousand.

   What they need in Afghanistan is Larry the Kabul Guy. He'd git 'er done.

   I would say that Will Smith hits like a girl, but then I am not a biologist.

   Bucket List #82: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   I can relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

   It is sad that jokes about Brandon are about the only witty things some people ever say. Even then, it isn't even that witty since they apply to both of the latest presidents.

   Once I see friends walking around with virtual glasses on in a Meta world I'll be swallowing the blue pill.

   Did you know Adam & Eve had the 1st computer? ...it was an Apple with 1 byte

   Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

   You know you should be proud of yourself when the biggest accomplishment you ever made was spreading your legs for your sugar daddy.

   Chris Hansen walks out at the end of Willy Wonka and starts asking questions about luring children with candy.

   I thought cross fit was a way to get abs like Jesus.

   I didn't hit you... I high fived your face

   The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.