Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

   n't it odd that people will fight for toilet paper but not for their freedom?

   The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

   Being clean and sober means I've showered and I'm heading to the liquor store.

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! No, not Jesus. Frosty the Snowman.

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Why do atheist celebrate Christmas? Just stop it! You are making yourself look bad.

   I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker. I hurt my own feelings.

   Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!

   can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

   My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

   Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

   @XplodingUnicorn If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

   My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge raclst, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was bIack - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

   My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia. I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

   Test driving a new Lexus, put a red bow on it & pulling into random people's driveways honking.