Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm one of the few women Tiger Woods didn't sleep with. That makes me feel proud but at the same time I feel kinda rejected. :(

   thanking Bob Hope for the ky jelly and cucumber. It came in very handy

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.

   "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...

   can't wait to hear President Obama's State of the Union speech tonight...sleeping pills haven't been working!

   I learned the hard way today that I should always wear panties under my dress when I go out. Because if I don't there's always a gust of wind to tick me off.

   lost a game of Scrabble last night. I couldn't believe it. I was lost for words.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   biggest reality of life - DEATH

   love and expectations are inversely proportional

   If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

   I'll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. "What are you doing with that gun?"

   has hired a secretary for complaints. If you have a complaint go to Helen Wait.

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   God gave you them shoes, to fit you So put them on and wear them... be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny... don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

   texting this fb status right now because someone really annoying just sat across from me and I want to look busy.  

   secretly hoping the sex tape I made with Lois from Family guy is leaked to TMZ