Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If drugs aren't allowed in sports then why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and farting.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the third time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   OK. What genius decided to call it the "Jab" and not the "Hokey Pokey"?

   "Where the hell are all the moths coming from?" -- Thomas Edison 1879

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

   COVID is going to be an excuse for horrible restaurant service for years to come.

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake up call. She told me "Trump lost, Joe Biden is now your president".

   Think I'll get a third shot. And no I'm not in a bar.

   Take note... the people who unabashedly support Drumpf can't spell, can't form a coherent sentence and have no idea how to interpret facts and statistics.

   Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. Others drink Beer so the world circles around them.

   Wondering why I have a belly button, but not being able to imagine life without one

   Cruises: Like being on house arrest with midnight buffets.

   I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Fell down on the treadmill just now, got ice cream everywhere.

   I was going to tell you a joke about covid 19 but 99% of you won’t get it......

   I had two naps today but every time I wake up I'm still at work.

   The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.