Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A STRESSOR AND AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT, will help you lose weight!

   Love may not make the world spin around but it certainly makes alot of people dizzy.

   if only my wife had smaller hands... 'IT' WOULD LOOK BIGGER!

   ...I love a girl who loves another girl who loves me...this is a strange triangle, but it could be interesting...

   I taught my dog to beg today. He came back with £12.75.

   Taco Bell is betta than Mc D's for lunch

   Growing up in New Orleans, Peyton Manning always dreamed he would throw the winning pass to help the Saints win the Super Bowl! Mission accomplished!

   misssing his ex...... but his aim is getting better!

   shh...my common sense is tingling.

   Oprah got fat again, we can all enjoy that

   wonders why we worry about 12 inches of snow when we are all at least 5 feet tall or so..we'll be ok

   Wait "pants on the Ground" didn't make it to Hollywood? He was the best so far!!!!!

   If I didn't use the bus,i would never have a man opening a door for me.

   I put a trojan magnum on once.....felt like a 6 year old in an adult sleeping bag!

   'It's not the crazy people I fear, but the large groups of normal ones! '' ~Shane Coleman

   NEEDING HELP, and I'll return the favor. Please send me 3 sets of fishnet stockings, 1 set of furry handcuffs (with key),4 bullets for my 9mm, 1 velvet blindfold, 4 soft cords, and 2 spinners for my Caddie in Hooker Town. Thanks

   We're banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it's okay to hump, and it's okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.

   wondering what to do for valentines day......... other than get drunk and listen to Joy Division while engaging in auto erotic asphyxiation to a discovery channel documentary regarding the breeding habits of the Fiordland Crested Penguin.

   there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated.... Breast, Implants

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years and 11 months old.