Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's logical to hate the player, without players there would be no game and I would have a date for Friday night

   You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first

   I'm gonna start a new website called Punchender where people/companies can raise funds to NOT release a terrible product. Example "If we don't meet our goal, we will release super bouncy death ball!"

   I'm no magician, but they've never found the bodies I made disappear.

   After an intense workout of shakeweight and sit and be fit it's time to rest.

   he loves heavy metal ... gold , steel and lead are his favourites

   Community Service Announcement - When attempting the Karma Sutra always be sure to stretch first, else you may end up pulling something!

   I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw

   I think Mark Zuckerberg is in my frikin laptop laughing... My Facebook is changing back and forth!!!! :-/

   Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver' Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment!

   I want to be " Bill Gates, where is that money you owe me" rich!

   Why does this thing tell you that you have 24 letters left, then when you post it's incomplete? e

   so cool, you can set your clock by his 5 oclock shadow

   Okay we get it 50-something washed up bar sl~ts. No need to post pics every other day feigning you're having a good time at some boring nightclub.

   Why do atheist celebrate Christmas? Just stop it! You are making yourself look bad.

   Trump wins and farmers get scarily closer to their doeling goats all over the midwest

   This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.

   When you see a piece of garbage on the ground you can pick up you must ask yourself "What would Greta Thunberg do?"

   I am creating face mask from the scalps of the dead... Is that wrong?

   I'm not saying she's a slut but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.