Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finds it satisfyingly funny that the initials for Valentine's Day are "V.D."

   leaving a post it note in this bathroom, saying "outta toilet paper but feel free to use this..."

   hates when you r waiting 4 the bus & someone asks "has the bus come yet?" if the bus came, would I be standing here??????? Oh right here the f... bus

   thinks the world should revolve around him since his dad calls him son.

   What's the big deal about the guy who could pull a truck with his penis? When I was sixteen, I could have pushed it.

   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving, so never miss a good chance to shut up.

   ..because Chinese New Year and Valentines Day fall on the same day this year,i think i'll celebrate both with a takeaway! How romantic. Lol.

   Women are like roads: the more curves they have,the more dangerous they are.

   decided to judge a book by it's cover.. because sometimes they turn out to be pretty good =)

   Sex is like math,you ADD the bed,SUBTRACT the cloths,DIVIDE the legs,and pray you don't MULTIPLY...

   teach me rules .. I will teach you how to break them !!..!!

   I played a blank tape at full blast last night. the mime next door went freaking nuts.

   I READ Smoking is bad So I gave up smoking I read drinkiing was bad so I gave up drinking I heard Sex Was bad so I gave up on reading

   wonders WHY it actually became politically correct to advertise about erectile dysfunction? It kinda makes you think about such things when your nine year old asks what "an erection lasting 24 hours or longer" is. Uhhhh, whut?

   needing help with his Margaritaville "Bar Raising". I still need a lost shaker of salt, Mexican cutie and a flip-flop repair kit. Thanks Guys. If I don't get this done I know it's my own damn fault...

   Dear Football, I miss you already. Maybe we could get together sometime soon - just the two of us. Please don't keep me waiting until August. I love you

   What do the New Orleans Saints and Benny Mardones have in common? They are both one hit wonders....

   trying to complete his Margaritaville. I still need that lost shaker of salt, 5th of tequila, some fresh lime juice, triple sec, and a flip flop. Thanks guys!

   Just 'cause something's in style, doesn't mean everybody ought to wear it. Ladies, I have seen some of you walking around in clothes that maybe you shouldn't. Muffin tops? ok. But when you look like a busted open can of biscuits, I draw the line..

   thinks that when NASA conducts their search for "itelligent life" in the universe, they should first start with Earth.