Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not too late to start convincing our grandchildren that the world really did end in 2012 and we're the survivors.

   "?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grand kids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grand kids.

   Dear "60 Minutes": Your stopwatch actually measures 60 seconds. But nice try ;

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

   I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

   Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

   Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

   I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

   A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire ~ the guy in front of me, apparently

   when I donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

   My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

   it normal to be out of breath when eating three Burrito Supremes?

   Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.

   I was a little embarrassed today......Didn't find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

   Woo hoo, camouflage condoms. They will never see me cumming.

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds...

   I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

   Since we cancelled COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?