Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glad that we have today to appreciate such great Presidents as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford Hayes, and of course... Warren G. Harding.

   the best things in life are free *just pay shipping & handling*

   wondering if it's bad when the cops knock on your door, and two others go around back..........and they have a camera crew..

   I haven't been laid in so long that my %&$$& is singing "Like a virgin touched for the very first time"

   large and in charge... well, one out of two ain't bad.

   HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! May your day be filled with joy and love. Then tomorrow you can go back to hating each other's guts!

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are Chris Hanson.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, and so are my.......whatever you imagine, thats up to you!

   The best way to get back on your feet, is to miss a car payment.

   just because your school can get 100,000 fans before another doesn't make it better... only thing it says is grads from your school have more free time. maybe because the other school's grads are at work while you're at home stalking people on facebook.

   Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   I did not celebrate Valentines Day but instead chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year... and its the year of the Tiger and my god what a year it has been for the man!!

   So its ok to have a movie called "White Men Can't Jump" but its wrong to make a movie called "Black Man Can't Swim" SOCIETY SUCKS!!!!!!

   If I break up with you Why say I wont find anyone else like you If I wanted someone like you I wouldnt Break up with you

   Happy Chinese New year!! It is the year of the Tiger. I can think of one Tiger who isn't having a good year.

   applied for a job at Hooter's today. The manager handed me a bra and said, "Here, fill this out."

   To the people I forgot, you weren`t on my mind for some reason and you probably don`t deserve any thanks anyway.

   Sign in Bar: "Low-cut blouses are looked down upon in this establishment."

   I didn't know NASCAR contracted IDOT to patch the racetracks! I knew the quality of that patch looked familiar