Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that moment when you open the ice cream tub in the fridge only to find there's no ice cream but instead something completely random

   I'm smart enough to know the markets clearly see the Biden/Harris administration is working to inhibit U.S. oil production, which has the effect of tightening the global market. Stopping the pipeline reinforced that belief. 45 was right.

   I'm smart enough to know the oil prices are due to supply and demand and the pipeline was to carry sludge from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico and had nothing to do with gas

   Relationship status: My hand told me it has a headache.

   WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

   Up for anything unless my gout flares up. – from my dating profile

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

   So, you people disrespect restaurant food service workers. You also say $2.13 per hour is too much and if they don't like it they should find another job. Now, your local restaurant is closed. Cry me a river.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

   I was going to tell a railroad joke, but I lost my train of thought.

   it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how strange it is?

   Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…...sh*t she’s coming. To be continued.

   If you're cold, stand in the corner. It's usually 90 degrees

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

   My back doesnt start hurting until I put on my work clothes.

   I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.