Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed

   Hiding people's status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin' fck you're annoying but, I don't wanna delete you cuz' you'll notice.

   Me at McDonald’s with my $1400 stimulus check: sir the ice cream machine is broken.. Me: how much does it cost to fix it.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

   This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

   All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

   According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.

   My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!

   Direct deposit $1400: Me at McDonald’s: sir did just say how much are the French fries? Me: takes the mask off no I said how much is the franchise.

   Just call executions "late term abortions" and Dems will support them.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   Marriage tip: The first thing you need to ask your wife to do after an eleven-hour work day is give you a serious back rub. Explain to her that playing Xbox all day long really takes a toll on your muscles!

   Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi