Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.

   I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.

   Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer