Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump 2024

   I happen to be writing to make you know what a remarkable discovery my cousin's daughter had using your site. She noticed such a lot of pieces, including what it is like to possess a wonderful helping mindset to have folks just understand some multifacete

   What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

   Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you Husband: well you’re here with me Me: oh yeah Husband: and we’re at a funeral

   Waxing my car. God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

   I want my covid vaccine to be delivered via blow dart

   Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

   I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

   Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet” And not “buyarrhea”

   I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

   I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach

   My wife is now fully vaccinated so I use her as a human shield wherever we go]

   [first day as a bartender] *garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

   I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

   A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

   How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

   Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

   In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

   Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

   Why are so many hot women also such dumb cun+s?