Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was thinking about starting a facebook addiction group, but wouldn't that be like starting an alcoholics annonymous at a bar?

   It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life the week before you get married.

   I made my man an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he...

   Have you ever watched birds and wondered: "If I could fly who would I crap on first?"

   thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.

   Perforation is a rip-off!

   Smith & Wesson - The first point-and-click interface?

   accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

   wonders... How do crazy people go through the forest?They take the psycho path.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   had breakfast in bed. Two rolls and a turnover.

   One good turn... gets all the blankets.

   if you want to kill a circus act, you've got to go for the juggler.

   Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction.

   performed Plastic Surgery today: I was cutting up all your credit cards.

   My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   thinks that Valentine's Day is Halloween's evil, hateful twin.

   often thought of getting into the petroleum industry, but drilling for oil is boring.

   Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.