Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   There's another Twilight coming out??? WTF, when will this f*cken torture end!!

   Women are like computers....... They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

   Thinks it would be completly acceptable to eat Taco Bell tacos today for lent because they don't contain REAL meat

   Damn it, we're men. It's our god-given right to watch sports and smut.

   A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

   I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!

   Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   Life is like a kernel of corn. You'll go through some $hit, only to come out clean in the end.

   Don't rush me. I'm waiting for the last minute.

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

   i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!

   you've just received an Amish Virus. Since we don't have electricity or computers, you're on the honor system. Please delete your files. Thank thee

   thinks Toyota missed an opportunity with their commercials by not using Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel"...

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   other than the two ton woodpecker trying to escape from my head I'm fine.