Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be my Tom and I will be your Jerry.

   A bit of a Procrastanator, i've been meaning to put that as my status since last week!

   Irony: a fat guy at walmart getting his blood pressure checked with two big bags of doritos in his other hand:D

   really thinks that the best method for retaining a healthy, youthful look is probably still one of the oldest methods: bathing in the blood of virgins.

   ever notice that when a story starts out with "I swear that I'm not sh*tting you"...they ARE sh*tting you?

   I had to take my paycheck to the bank. It was too little to go all by itself.

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...

   not been this broke since he went carol singing with the Tourettes Association

   I didn't change, I just grew up. You should try it sometime....

   I doubt, therefore I might be.

   [Status removed by Facebook as too explicit to broadcast]

   Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week?

   I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.

   How come when old people get free health care it is called something nice like medicare, but when everybody gets it they call it communism?

   I just want to thank all the great people in the USA for electing such a great man like Barack Obama. Ever since he got elected there's been so much change. Facebook's layout got changed like 2 times!! Thats impressive!

   Dear Warner Brothers: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   Welcome to Facebook. Feel free to attack, judge and air your own and everyone Else's dirty laundry!! Don't forget to keep it Catty and Cryptic!!