Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

   I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive Her: Have you tried dog pounds? Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

   reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, I know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”

   ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Me: This spaghetti is spicy. Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Now that it's New Year's eve I expect big big changes tomorrow!

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.

   Anyone remember a time before Facebook when you how to get your selfies developed then go around to all your friends houses to see if they liked them? Yeah neither do I.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   I've been working a side hustle delivering for restaurants and so far as I can tell, those X-rated movies are bull crap.

   Coronavirus is like a Thanos you can't see