Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   I promise... no more sex with anybody... unless they really, really, need it

   I want to thank e-Harmony for the free match weekend...they are amazing...found my perfect match, sent the profile, and pic...we are getting together later today...I am so impressed and very curious how they got a picture of my left hand....

   I was sitting at the dinner table last night and I meant to say pass the mashed potatoes but I let it slip you stupid B@#ch you've ruined my life

   Did you get those pants on sale? cause I can get them 100% off

   Being up all night with a child didn't bother me so much when I was younger. This got me to thinking... I cannot believe menopause and teaching him how to drive a car is going occur in the same week!

   Traveled to the future and found out I'm flat-ass broke. Note to future self: Don't sell your boat and Plasma screen. Sell your wife.

   finds it quite ironic how "Lame-O" is ironically probalby the lamest insult ever invented.

   4 things you can't recover: The stone..after the throw. The word..after it's said. The occasion..after it's missed. The time..after it's gone.

   For some reason people drive by and laugh at you when you are sitting in the front of your boat using your laptop while the boat is in the driveway..It was to nice of a day not to be out in the boat. Just never made it to the lake. :)

   Had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Rosie O donnell. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale,and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire.

   It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.

   so why is that every holiday we stuff ourselves full of ham or turkey or whatever? like we really need an occasion to indulge our inner fat kid??

   If you see me in ur dream...do tell me how to get out of there...;)

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   In this world there is plenty of Room for all of gods creatures.....Right next to the Mashed Potatoes and Gravy!!!

   Dear Auntie Em, "I Hate you and I hate Kansas, I'm leaving and I'm taking the dog.... Love Dorothy.

   Today In the Facebook Stock Market, 'Happy Easter' status updates are up 200%, 'Stupid Group Invitations' are up 50%, 'Friendship Bonding' plummets and 'Exaggerations' are down 3.40 pts on the Nasdaq.

   some woman want their man to be smart, dead drop gorgeouse, with colourful personality, who can listen to them, who'loves shopping n chick movies. Well ladies I hate to tell you but man like those<<< called GAY. Appriciate a guy for who he is.