Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.

   wondering why if vegetarian food is so great, everything they make is "turkey flavored" this or "chicken flavored" that.

   saw a car today that had a sticker that said "Americans never forget". Then I remembered that Hiliary Clinton is Secretary of State so obviously we do...

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   Farmville? Fishville? I want to play Margaritaville. All I need is: 1800 Tequila, a pop-top and a woman to blame. But if I don't get them, I know it is my own damn fault.

   to all of my FB friends: I love you all and you are fabulous! Except for you #78; you are just an ass. You know who you are so don't even try to fake the funk...

   for every husband who says that his wife cannot take a joke, he should remember that she took him...

   I swear to God, if Bill Gates had a dollar for everytime I have to reboot my computer...Oh, wait. He does. :(

   wondering why I can put my "two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts." I suspect I might be getting ripped off...

   Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.

   why, hello there gin and tonic....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like........i believe you and liver have met............

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music...

   C.R.E.A.M. - Coffee Rules Everything Around Me

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   when I was drunk, you were beautiful

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.