Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

   Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee* Therapist: You’re late again Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

   Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

   The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.

   Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

   I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.

   If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?