Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV walk into a bar... I’ve forgotten the rest!

   You got your reparations. From our taxes paying for your food stamps, section 8 housing and free school lunches.

   I'm too smart to be happy.

   Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view

   Maybe we should all start calling 2020 are lucky number and see if things might change!

   If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.

   ACED my prostate exam!

   I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

   My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

   My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

   I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

   Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping

   These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.