Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   If I had a choice between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea, I wouldn't want a garbanzo bean on my face.

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   If you're over 50 and are whining that the bars are closed, you really should contact your doctor and get a brain scan.

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.

   Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

   My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."

   Welcome to the epoch of divisiveness.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them

   Let’s change the Redskins name to DC Marvels!

   I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.

   All Women Do Is Drink Wine And Order crap Off Amazon

   Remember Darth Vader took his mask off once and died within minutes. ‬

   Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

   Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?