Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Three biggest tragedies in a mans life...Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't..

   An Australian kiss is same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

   I want to play hookie from work and have as much fun and fit as much in as Ferris Bueller did in the

   All sluts should come with an easy button on their forehead.

   Wants to thank everybody for the Birthday wishes...I am now going to start acting my age and settle in for a "Golden Girls/Matlock/ Murder She Wrote' Marathon and tell all of the neighborhood kids to get the hell off of my lawn!

   thinking men should come with carfax and a UPS label for an easy return.

   I find it ironic that the Alzheimer's Association is sponsoring an event called "A Night To Remember".

   She is my best freind You break her Heart I Break Your Face

   I love it when the person's laugh is funnier than the actual joke.

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   Hannah Montana... I mean oops! Don't you hate it when you get the status feed and the search box mixep up? wow, how embarassing."

   Do your best to limit the number of boundaries you set in life. Not everything you're looking for lies within that yellow tape.

   Out there, happyness waits for everyone. In one direction or another. Some of us are just too ignorant to buy a compass.

   Forgetfulness is the device your mind uses to tell you what is important and what isn't.

   thinks "survival of the fittest is absolute BS!" Have you looked around lately?

   hates it when he goes to take a drink and the straw goes up his nose. Not cool when tryin' to impress the ladies!

   Earthquake in Mexico. 50,000 dead. England sending money, France sending food, US sending Replacement Mexicans. Pack your sh!t up, you're going home.

   thinking people need to quit quoting Steve Wright he wasnt funny the first 50 billion times we've heard it

   The first person who had hiccups must have been scared $hitless