Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻

   The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Osama Bin Laden is Cuomo kiIIed more New Yorkers.

   ur mom gay

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup

   Joe Biden looks like he smells like pee.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   “What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo