MTQ Funny Status Messages

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   Gangnam Style: Dancing like an overweight Ch!nk getting b0ned up the a$$ by a sumo wrestler while wearing handcuffs that were put on by a ret@rded cop.

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   Be on the lookout for the latest wave of terrorists to enter the USA: M'Balz Es-Hari.....Graabir Boubi....Hous Bin Pharteen...and the most dangerous of the four, I-Zheet M'Draurz.

   If you have a facebook page that features both you and your girl....you're a h0m0.

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   I just found out why Heidi Klum filed for divorce. Against her wishes....Seal would balance, spin, and bounce her up n' down on the tip of his nose whilst happily barking and clapping.

   I invented a steak sauce. The ingredients; Au Jus, Shiitake Mushrooms, and Vinegar. No one will market it. They have a problem with the name. I named after the three ingredients. What's so bad about: "Au Shiit Niga!"

   The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.

   Winners in Arizona and Missouri. The Arizona winner will blow it all on skin lotion, and the Missouri winner will blow it all on having someone prove to them that they actually won.

   I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I have a great name for a dating site which pretty much sums the whole thing up in a nutshell...Desperate Losers.

   When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.