JAKE Funny Status Messages

   I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

   Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.

   The Mexicans may not be happy with the building of trump's wall. But they will get over it.

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.

   In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.

   Seven qualities I look for in a woman. 1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible . Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.

   I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO