Huck Funny Status Messages

   How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite holiday special about a burglar whose crimes go wholly unpunished.

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.

   My favorite yoga pose is mouthward facing pie.

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   Silly prank: Transmit clips of backward devil talk to your neighbors' baby monitor at random times throughout the night.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.