Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Apparently someone is stabbed in Detroit every 54 secs. It must suck to be that guy.

   My favourite Christmas song is the one about baby Jesus passing gas. Forgot what it's called but the main chorus is "Do you hear what I hear?"

   I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Proof that even chickens believe in an afterlife.

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   Congrats USA. Always one step behind Canada and one step closer to being Canada...now give up your guns...it's your destiny. [/Palpatine]

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Sometimes, when I haven't had sex for a while, I like to go jogging in flip flops so I remember the sound.

   I'll be dressed up tonight as a dad who sends his kids house to house to beg for handouts while eating their candy in the street like a hobo zombie.

   Just watched a movie with my kids about a young girl that is transported to a surreal land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she meets up with 3 other strangers to kill again. The Wizard of Oz.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   2016 claimed another one...RIP Rhonda Rousey.

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   I think Charles Ramsey might be on to something here. I'm going to get a deep dark tan and fly down to Cleveland and see what white women come running into my arms.

   What if you take Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna at the same time and just let them fight it out inside you?

   So I guess once you go black you can't go back...you have to go orange.

   I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.