Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.

   When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.

   Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

   My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't totally destroy my phone

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.

   A new day doesn't officially start until you take a shower.

   She tried keeping up with the Kardashians, but now it burns when she pees.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.