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X Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
X You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.
X Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?
X Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"
X Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.
X My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
X I say they give all politicains the Federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour....See how fast things change then!!!!
X In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.
X I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.
X Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.
X Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.
X Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!
X B!tches or not, 99 problems is still a sh!tload of problems.
X Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.
X Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.
X Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.
X Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
X I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
X I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.
X My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!