Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.