Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.