Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus
←Rate | 05-04-2018 22:12 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
←Rate | 04-18-2018 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
←Rate | 04-14-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:36 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:42 Comments (4)  


   messageicon If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer
←Rate | 03-23-2018 04:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
←Rate | 10-31-2017 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?
←Rate | 01-16-2018 10:35 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
←Rate | 07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 09:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 14:58 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did
←Rate | 01-18-2018 21:05 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:03 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
←Rate | 02-04-2018 23:08 by tmk Comments (0)  


   messageicon Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper
←Rate | 02-20-2018 22:31 Comments (0)  


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