Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I can't wait to see who gets fired next week on Celebrity Appresident.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 00:33 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If I sucked at my job I would want to spend time away from it too and play golf.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 21:46 by 25the45 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I STILL remember grandpa's last words to me. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he said, "What's this warning label say?"
←Rate | 03-16-2018 17:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 15:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please
←Rate | 03-16-2018 14:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's
←Rate | 03-16-2018 14:28 by David Comments (0)  

   messageicon How long do you think Tomi Lahren will wait to start sending nudes to Donald Trump Jr?
←Rate | 03-16-2018 14:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 12:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bose is a Bengali Stereo type.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 11:46 by SA1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Will trump list the people on welfare or social services as dependents on his tax form
←Rate | 03-16-2018 06:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 05:51 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Mexicans may not be happy with the building of trump's wall. But they will get over it.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 00:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 00:19 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.
←Rate | 03-16-2018 00:16 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Overheard the boss telling the new guy, "I don't care if you ARE Winnie the Pooh. You still have to wear pants to work!"
←Rate | 03-15-2018 16:35 by CarlIreton Comments (0)  

   messageicon Right Now: Fox News: Deadly bridge collapse in Miami. CNN: Trump witch hunt. MSLSD: Trump witch hunt.
←Rate | 03-15-2018 16:25 Comments (6)  

   messageicon somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze
←Rate | 03-15-2018 10:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
←Rate | 03-15-2018 08:34 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already .
←Rate | 03-15-2018 02:40 by 25the45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.
←Rate | 03-15-2018 01:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

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