Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"

   For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   I think Charles Ramsey might be on to something here. I'm going to get a deep dark tan and fly down to Cleveland and see what white women come running into my arms.

   Just watched a movie with my kids about a young girl that is transported to a surreal land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she meets up with 3 other strangers to kill again. The Wizard of Oz.

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.

   Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.

   My favourite Christmas song is the one about baby Jesus passing gas. Forgot what it's called but the main chorus is "Do you hear what I hear?"

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.