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X I think NASCAR would be fun if they added a 92-year old driving the opposite way in a Duster.
X It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.
X I live and yearn.
X Honey, remember to address the dog as "Dr." Scruffy. We didn't pay for eight years of post-grad obedience school for nothing.
X I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'
X GET TO THE CHOPPER!!
X says I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo.
X What do whales eat? Fish and ships.
X I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye.
X Time to put on my best sexual harrassment suit. It's much like my birthday suit, just... Okay, it's exactly like my birthday suit.
X Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.
X You guys, this is my first ever facebook status update sent from a toilet. Did I do good?
X On the Electrician's Truck... "Let Us Remove Your Shorts"
X Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.
X My gift horse is facing the wrong way
X It is often said cooking is an art. But I have very few meals that I would hang on my wall.
X Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
X Q. What do you call a French man in sandals? A. Philippe Philoppe
X Profiling: when police stop only the cars that are driving on the sidewalk.
X says it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?