Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   probably going to Hell in at least 2 different religions

   a suicide bomber. Suicide bomber training: Now watch carefull, because I'm only going to show you this once.

   After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.

   I stepped on a corn flake in the kitchen, does that make me a cereal killer?

   I used to live in a residential building until a few hookers moved in on the 3rd floor - now it's a commercial building...

   just used my get out of work free card, Headed to Boardwalk

   Who is "Taxes" and "IRS"? Those jerks have been sending me junk mail for years.

   Tiger Woods has had sex with more women than my girlfriend will even let me be Facebook friends with.

   my girlfriend sucks........Thank God!!!

   going outside to walk around in circles....cause thats how I stroll.

   I have a secret, I see offline people....

   you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.

   Can't believe Larry King has has been caught cheating...he's 76 why are all these women trying to get in his diaper...

   The attack on the Pope was really his own fault. After all he was wearing Axe Body Spray.

   I'm getting a massage tonight, so I drew a treasure map on my stomach. It's pretty self explanatory.

   'do you think the queen ever pulls the covers up to her chan and says "look phillip, i'm a stamp"'

   Wouldn't it make more sense for laptop makers like Dell and HP to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is Randee and common sense was my idea

   Just finished the KFC double Down .... Whoever made this had to be STONED because no one sober could come up with something SO GOOD !!!

   your not a Jedi,. so stop waving at elecrtronic door's outside of Wal-mart like you have the force, you dork."

   currently the guiness world record holder for the worlds tallest midget....