Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish they'd open bowling alleys back up. We trailer trash need something to do too, you know.

   I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

   Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

   They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

   If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

   Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon. Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL Doctor:

   Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

   Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

   Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

   If I use my stimulus money to buy baby chickens, does this mean we got money for nothing and chicks for free? ‬

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   Fat chances are my favorite chances

   Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

   90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.