Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a plethera of useless knowledge. In other words I would so win at Jeopardy!

   Instead of going thru all the trouble of getting in shape I think I'll just adopt a catchey nickname like "THE OVER WEIGHT LOVER HEAVY J"

   scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.

   drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha's against drunk dialing)

   about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery I just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!

   Today I have decided to wear my goody-two shoes. Yes, they are uncomfortable and NO, you can not borrow them...

   Its amazing how many of Darwin's biggest obstacles are allowed the privelage to drive on our roadways in this day in age.

   some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   I should really turn my cell phone's voice recognition dialing off. I accidentally called Jesus Christ 24 times today. He's getting pissed...

   Canceled my trip to Arizona because my dog doesn't have papers...

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   Jesus said in the Bible that it was much easier for children to get into heaven than adults. What priests want in heaven, they get in heaven.

   Bomb Disposal Slogan: All's well as long as it's ticking.

   "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.