Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5933 of 6371
a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.
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05-10-2010 17:55
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wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."
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05-10-2010 17:55
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What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.
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05-10-2010 17:54
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I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."
I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.
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05-10-2010 17:27 by @kdr2011
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Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.
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05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser
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Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.
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05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser
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Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?
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05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser
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This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again
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05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser
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The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.
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05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser
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Saw the mystery machine from Scooby Doo driving on the highway. Is this real life?
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05-10-2010 14:05 by Joser
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I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
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05-10-2010 14:02 by Joser
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ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?
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05-10-2010 13:58 by Joser
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Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while
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05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser
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Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.
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05-10-2010 13:56 by Joser
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"Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."
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05-10-2010 13:55 by Joser
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I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**
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05-10-2010 13:54 by Joser
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I hate Cliches. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
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05-10-2010 12:17 by Dane
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relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.
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05-10-2010 11:28 by Hloni
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What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
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05-10-2010 11:21
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