Funny Status Messages

   Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?

   had fun going to a Target store with a red shirt on the other day. And no, I did not have to do clean up on Aisle Eleven !

   Here kitty kitty, Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.

   NASCAR: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

   Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

   Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable.

   whoever said "never regret" obviously never had taco bell

   If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, Obama supporters would have the White House filled with pimps and sluts

   If BP needs a giant box to contain all the oil, they can call any of my ex-girlfriends.

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   remember..we are all just human...except Ryan Seacrest...he's a midget alien from Mars.

   I am anxious about how much Xanax I'm taking.

   Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker...

   Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.